Having children is no great achievement. Raising them is.
The challenge of that simple statement is reflected in the thousands of parenting books that have published since the invention of the printing press. But modern parenting gurus usually forget one important lesson: Parents don’t have time to read a 250-page book, extrapolate the information that applies to the specific challenges of their child or children, and keep a checklist in their head or on the refrigerator to consult whenever a problem arises.
Parents are busy people.
That’s why, as a professional who deals every day with troubled children who often have never had discipline in their lives, and the father of four young children, I have developed a straightforward (notice I don’t say simple – nothing is simple about being a parent except loving them) strategy to deal with a number of frustrating situations you will encounter. This three-step process is designed to provide an effective, easy-to-follow tool to reverse inappropriate or negative behaviors.
The process is as easy as 1, 2, 3:
1. Identify the problem (it’s not always what you think). 2. Develop a solution for the problem (we’ll provide some that work). 3. Implement the solution.
The three-step process produces boundaries and clear expectations. Consistent adult behavior allows children to learn what is expected of them. Utilizing and implementing the process will make you consistent. All children can learn. They want to learn. But the way they learn isn’t being lectured; it’s by watching your body language and hearing your tone of voice. They don’t want tension and conflict any more than the parent. You can’t learn to be a consistent parent overnight, but this process allows for baby steps for both parents and child.
Choose appropriate rewards
Age effects motivation. Where rewards and stickers work well for younger children, an older child may need more enticement. My recommendation is to find something your child is highly interested in and add to that. For example, my four-year-old son is interested in bike riding with me, so I use a special trip to the bike park to motivate him. A 14-year-old girl who I work with loves art; I have used a trip to the store for special art supplies and a trip to a local art museum to motivate her. The beauty of these rewards is the bonus of one on one time with your child, which enhances your relationship. You don’t want the reward to come off as a bribe, because that only provides a temporary fix – do this now and I’ll reward you now.
Always remember to put more focus on the importance and purpose of completing the task then the reward. The reward is an added bonus. A better you is the ultimate reward.
Who am I?
What makes me so qualified to provide parenting advice? It’s not that my wife and I have four children – if it were that simple, there would be many parenting experts. I work professionally with children and young adults who have been removed from bad situations and placed onto solid ground. At home and at work, my wife and I have had success with each of the scenarios you’ll read. The few that didn’t work – we didn’t include!
As you know, parenting is more than a full-time job, since you can’t go home at the end of the shift. It’s exhausting work, and it’s easy to become negative, even when dealing with people you love. The goal is to enjoy your children, and have them enjoy being with you. Two strategies we’ll discuss as catching your child being good and building up versus breaking down. This will result in what I call legacy energy. By raising your children with positive energy, you will create people who are someday excellent, positive parents. Your parenting impacts your children, their children and their children’s children to come.
